mamerblog

Monkey Boy at the Dells

So Deanie and I were at the Dells for one night, and pretty much our entire trip was focused on staring at hot boys. I admit it, it’s just what we do.
Here’s the story of one (there are so many, but I don’t feel like writing them all). Deanie and I walk into the Wave Pool at the Wilderness. We immediately scan around the dome, looking for any sign of a halfway decent looking guy. And then I see the lifeguard. I point Deanie in the right direction. She agrees. He’s scrawny but tall, and lanky and strong. He’s got poofy brown straight-ish hair, and he looks incredibly hungover. We try to edge our way over to his side of the pool so we can stare more easily. I blatantly keep my eyes on him as I try to walk, but end of half-swimming between a herd of ten year olds treading water and a giant fat man suspended over the length of two innertubes.
We finally get to his side of the pool and stare some more. Then I get really angry. While staring at him, I realize he’s not watching the pool. There are at least one hundred people, most of them children between the ages of seven and fourteen, struggling to not drown in the massive waves. And he’s not just spacing out, or talking to a friend, or doing whatever it is that lifeguards do when they’re not guarding lives. No, Mr. I’m-Too-Sexy-and-Hungover-for-My-Own-Good is intently examining the skin on his knee. If you saw the way he was focusing on his knee, you would think it was the DNA code for the cure to cancer, or a list of phone numbers of every female celebrity in a 100-mile radius, or even the answer key to the ACT. I notice this point it out to Deanie. When she turns and looks, he starts to pick at the skin on his knee. Then he bends down even further and picks between his toes! As we stare in a trance up at the lifeguard from the water, he does the unthinkable. I can still see it now, in slow motion, like a dramatic scene from an action movie or legal drama. He lifts his hand, the hand that he had just used to pick at his knee skin and between his toes, to his mouth, and eats the skin and toe gunk! Deanie yells out in shock, “He’s putting it in his mouth!” I just stare, put my hand over my eyes, look again, and cringe in disbelief. The lifeguard looks my way while I continue my exaggerated dance of horror and disgust. Completely grossed out, I turn to Deanie and say, “Now that’s a monkey boy if I’ve ever seen one.”